There are unanswered questions concerning Zombies such things as:
- Can they swim?
- Can you catch Zombism from sitting on a toilet seat?
- Can they have Zombie babies? Wait. Back up. Can they have sex? And if you have sex with a Zombie what does that make you, besides one sick freak?
- Can a Zombie drive a car?
Zombies are unlike Vampires and Werewolves who have years of fictional research devoted to answering such earth shaking questions. Can Vampires swim? We know from Twilight that Vampires can walk along the bottom of a body of water to get to where they’re going and that their skin sparkles in the sun. Psssh. And up until Twilight, I though that their skin blazed, blistered, and then melted off of them when exposed to the sun, or that they just instantaneously went up in flames.
Werewolves doggy paddle well, so they can swim. We also garnered from Twilight that Vampires and Werewolves can and do enjoy sex and that they can drive cars. Although, it appears a Werewolf can drive a car only while human. Otherwise, he runs to wherever he wants to get. So the answers to many of the questions that inquiring minds want to know about Werewolves and Vampires are out there. Zombies are a different story.
What makes them different?
Weres and Vamps have a long history rooted in classical literature. Take Weres for instance, the werewolf Marrok appears in the tales of King Arthur, and as for Vamps, let’s not forget Bram Stoker’s 1897 classic, Dracula.
Although recent years have seen an influx of Zombie fiction it is a relatively modern concept with comparison to Weres and Vamps. The first book to expose Western civilization to Zombies was The Magic Island written in 1929 by W.B. Seabrook. A big difference when comparing it to Thomas Mallory’s Le Morte ‘d Arthur, first published in 1485, in which the werewolf Marrok makes an appearance.
However, before we get too caught up in all the unanswered questions concerning Zombies. First we must ask if there is any real concern. I mean what’s the likelihood of a Zombie Apocalypse, really?
We all know it is conceivable that Vamps and Weres live among us. I mean, how would we know? Most of the time they look just like us. Zombies, on the other hand, look distinctly different than most humans so it’s very unlikely there are Zombies out there running around that we don’t know about. Notice I said most humans. I’ve seen people walking around NY that I’d swear were Zombies.
Zombie Apocalypse—is it a real possibility? The most likely cause of a ZA would be biological or parasitic. There is an interesting fungus called Ophiocordyceps that attacks insects in the jungle. The spores of this fungus affects the brain of the insect like an ant. It instructs the ant to attach itself to the underside of a leaf. The ant dies there and the fungus grows a head right out of the ant’s head and forms a stalk which, when grown, produces more deadly spores.
This parasitic fungus is one of about 10 potentially Zombie creating scenarios. Mad cow disease causes infected individuals to go into fits of rage. Their gait changes. They have hallucinations, stumble and fall. Their muscles twitch and they have myoclonic jerks or seizures.
With the potential out there of some crazy manipulating spores, mad cow disease, or even the neurotoxins of a pufferfish into a biological weapon, I say: hells yes there is definitely a possibility of a Zombie Apocalypse.
With that conclusion, I think it is necessary to plan for one and I think just like the protagonist, Columbus, in Zombieland we need to start with some rules. Like the question: Can you catch Zombism from sitting on a toilet seat? The answer would be: Hells yes, if you’re seating on that toilet seat without your weapon.
Rule one: ALWAYS carry a weapon—your choice. Gun. Hatchet. Knife. Bat. Bug spray. Ax. Rad (you’ll have to read one of my books if you want to know what a Rad is), curling iron, hair spray, sword, shovel, hammer, screw driver, a broken piece of glass, a chain saw, a blow torch, cast iron skillet… You get the idea. As for me I’m carrying my .357 with a laser and as back-up: my derringer, my Browning, and my bow and plenty of arrows. I’m covered.
Rule two: Have your bug-out bag ready. Contents for bug-out bag we’ll discuss in depth in a later blog. But toilet paper for sure. If you have TP, you won’t even have to use the toilet seat. Freeze dried food and water—and some way to purify water when you do run out—are necessities. Pack for safe sex. You can’t afford to have a kid slowing you down or crying when your trying to hide.
Rule three: Carry duct tape. Cause duct tape solves every problem there is. A wad of it in an opened- mouth Zombie coming at you would keep him occupied long enough to get away.
Rule four: If you can’t find a kick-ass buddy as back-up then a slow, well-fed, funny buddy will do just as well. Make sure you can out run him and any leftovers you have feed them to him to fatten him up. His humor will provide entertainment. Maintain a high level of fitness in case of a sudden Zombie attack and he’ll keep them busy while you get away. Don’t try to be a hero. Survival is key.
Rule Five: Make sure you have the appropriate clothing which should include, but not limited to: steel-toed boots or running shoes (always double knot) and keep them on 24/7, cargo pants with a ton of pockets, as many pairs of underwear as you can cram in, base layers of thermal underwear, rain gear to keep the Zombie guts off you and protect the few clothes you do have. Ski mask to protect your mouth and face from said guts flying in. Baseball cap with headlight.
That’s a start. We need to add to it, but I’m late with my blog post for Monday and I’m already over a thousand words which they say a thousand is the maximum to maintain a busy reader’s attention. I’d love to hear some of your rules so we can add them to the list.
The Probe’s Mission Statement
The Probe is a blog devoted to the exploration of the unexplainable, to finding the truth in occurrences that resemble science fiction, and to researching and reporting on topics that could be flung upon the wall of weird. New posts are featured every week.
(Mostly on Mondays, but sometimes I release early, like on Sundays, if I have a writing deadline, or if I’m going camping, or if I have something exciting I just can’t wait to tell you. And sometimes I’m late if I’m camping or have family visiting .)
Sign up to get my weekly, slightly irregular blog posts delivered directly to your email. No spam. Promise.