It’s been a while since my last blog and I apologize. I have a good reason however. A good but very sad reason. My daughter was expecting our second grandchild. He was totally a surprise for everyone involved. So much of a surprise I nicknamed him Baby Boo. My daughter was scheduled to deliver April 28. On April 15, she felt no movement. She went to the hospital on April 16, but the nurses couldn’t find a heartbeat. The doctor did an emergency C-Section, but our little grandson was dead. The cord was wrapped around his neck three times.
It’s been hard to find the motivation, but mostly the time to develop and research my blog. I’ve been in Texas since that awful night my daughter called and said that Baby Boo had died. When I returned home this last Friday, I was stunned by all I’d left undone. I’m slightly OCD, so generally I never just let things go. But for the past six weeks plus, I walked around in a daze at my daughter’s house trying to figure out why I didn’t have my grandson in my arms.
Reality blasted me in the face when I opened the refrigerator and found containers of spoiled food. In the laundry room dirty clothes piled in baskets remained untouched. I asked myself why I left so much undone. That’s when I broke down and sobbed. “Remember,” my foggy brain prompted, “the heart-wrenching phone call telling you your little grandson had no heartbeat.”
“What do I do now?” I asked.
Our entire summer—our lives—had been planned around Baby Boo, but now there was no Boo.
What do I do now?
Questions keep me up at night. My brain remains dull and non-responsive. Do I continue write? Do I tell my blog readers what happened? Where do I go from here?
Looking for Answers
My son and his partner had nicknamed the baby, Fox, which is odd for several reasons.
- The fox is the animal my 11 year-old granddaughter, Boo’s sister, identified with last summer.
- We left to drive to Texas from Colorado to be with my daughter, her husband, and our granddaughter early on the morning of April 17 after the horrible phone call. As we pulled onto the highway, a little red fox darted in front of us.
- The morning after we arrived in Texas, my husband and I were headed to my daughter’s house from the hospital when a fox made his appearance known to us again but in a residential area in a major city. He ran into the alley straight toward my daughter’s house. Now, I know Texas is considered a wild and woolly kinda place by many people, but a fox in a residential area is very, very uncommon. I knew the second time I saw him, it was our grandson trying to communicate with us. He wanted us to realize that though he was not present in a physical form, his presence was all around us, and that only his shell had died, but not him.
- I opened up my mind to the possibility that Fox was trying to communicate with us. My shamanic healer friend had counseled me to try this. He said I had a sensitivity to the spirit world. When I did, my little Fox came to me most mornings right before I woke up completely with messages for his parents, his sister, and for me.
- My son-in-law spoke at Fox’s memorial about his son’s connection to the fox. Many of our friends and family members, who came to Fox’s memorial, reported seeing a fox in unusual places afterwards.
- On February 29, 2016, I’d begun doing an animal of the week on FaceBook. The first animal I featured was the fox. This was months before we identified the baby’s connection to the fox. I became interested in the power of animal medicine when I researched the Comanches and Native Americans for my first novel. Native people, who stay connected to the Earth, believe that the Creator sends messages to us through the animals. After much research and from my own personal experiences, I too have become a firm believer in observing and mediating on the messages our animal friends bring to us.
Answers
Fox tells me that from here I must continue to write. “It is who you are,” he says, “and it took you many years to discover this. Don’t lose sight of that.” He also says, with a giggle, “Besides it’s what you love most beside us, your family. But maybe don’t spend so much time on social media.Write all the books you have in your head then use social media to promote your books once they are complete.”
This advice is the opposite of what writers are currently being told to do by so-called “experts.” The experts say:
- Have a website
- Establish a platform
- Write a blog daily
- Stay active on FaceBook, Google +, Twitter, and anything else that smells like social media.
Before Fox started guiding me, I’d already realized, if I did everything the so-called experts were proposing, I’d never get another book written. Instead of a daily blog, I went to a weekly one. My goal being quality over quantity. I hope I succeeded in offering this to my readers.
My Journey
The day of Fox’s memorial, a friend of the family came to house sit while we attended the service. Why would she volunteer to house-sit instead of attending the memorial, I wondered. And as if she could read my mind, she hugged me and told me of the loss of her son in a tragic accident. The day they went to her son’s funeral, they were robbed so she volunteers to house-sit for others in similar circumstances in an effort to provide some measure of comfort.
She was so gracious and said something odd to me which I didn’t understand until days later. She said her loss had been a journey and one she’s thankful for.
I began to understand her statement when my husband and I started talking about selling most of our worldly possessions and going on the road full time. We realized with our grandson’s death that life is ever changing but not ever lasting—at least not in the physical state. Fox taught us this.
We’ve always had a dream to explore all America has to offer, but we’ve never been able to. “We’re not getting any younger,” we both said a time or two in our decision making. While in Texas, we visited a couple of RV dealers and fell for a rig that offers us freedom and a simpler life style.
We still must sell our home and those possessions that are tying us down, but then we will be on the road for several years. I will continue to write my stories and post to my blog. I just can’t promise how regularly I will be able to post, since we prefer dry and primitive camping—where there is no WiFi—to park camping. I can promise, however, I will always return as long as I am able.
I may deviate occasionally from the Weird is Wonderful theme of my blog to tell you about some of my more interesting travels. I will also start to include blogs pertaining to animal mysticism.
I hope you will stay with me. I’d miss you if you didn’t.
Some Recommendations
I know some of you will think I’m crazy and blow me off. It’s okay. I understand. I’m sure you are saying it’s just her way of dealing with the grief. And it may be. But I don’t think so or I wouldn’t have shared this very personal journey with you.
If you are the least bit interested in identifying your animal totems and the power they can bring you, I recommend the following books in the order I have listed them.
- Medicine Cards, The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals by Jamie Sams and David Carson. You need this book first to identify the animals that walk beside you on your life’s journey. I have the oldest version, which is a box set, and is offered for $2.29 on Amazon. I highly recommend this one.
- Animal Speak: The Spiritual and Magical Powers of Creatures Great and Small by Ted Andrews. After I identified my animal totems, Andrew’s book became my bible.
- Animal Spirit Guides by Steven D. Farmer. My son gave me this as a gift. It’s a quick reference when I travel—concise and informative.
Have you experienced a tragedy you might share with me? Let me know how you healed from the loss.
Or are you a full-time RVer or know someone who is? Tell me how you or they like it.
Do you have an animal you feel a strong connection to? What is it? What do you think its message is to you?
Until our grandson joined the spirit world, we never realized how many babies in this modern age are still-born. What I would advise to anyone who is expecting or has a loved one who is expecting, invest in a heart monitor for your baby so you can always make sure his/her little heart is still beating. We learned this proactive measure too late. Strange that the doctor didn’t mention this. He kept telling us everything was great.
And then it wasn’t.
The Probe’s Mission Statement
The Probe is a blog devoted to the exploration of the unexplainable, to finding the truth in occurrences that resemble science fiction, and to researching and reporting on topics that could be flung upon the wall of weird. New posts are featured as often as I can find WiFi, and as often as I have something I think you might find interesting.
Over a year ago I paid a company a lot of money to convert my blog over to WordPress. They did a terrible job as far as formatting. So over the next couple months I will bring forward old posts that are still relevant, update, reformat, and repost them.
(I now use Tech Surgeons for my blog and Jay is awesome. If you have any computer stuff that you need help with, contact Jay. If you want the name of the robber dogs who did a bad job and charged me a bunch, email me, and I’ll disclose that information to you privately.)
I live in an isolated, rural community in southern Colorado—conservative and rather closed minded. Though I love the area, it’s not a great fit for someone who believes in space travelers, thinks she is host to a Walk-In, and talks to her newly departed grandson. The few friends I have are not fans of science fiction. They prefer romance novels or reality TV. I would enjoy talking to other science fiction lovers or ghost hunters.
Join me here for more close encounters of the alien kind and please share your own. Science Fiction or Fact? Doesn’t matter to me. I just like a story that gives me the chills.
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3 replies on “Soul Searching. A Writer’s Anguish and Her Journey.”
I just lost my mom. There was a time I would have been more prepared as she had a stroke and was not doing well. When we lost her it came as a complete shock. We knew she was having trouble. We took her to the hospital where they said heart attack, but that she would be okay. Now when the phone rings I wait for the voice I will never hear again. I will be looking into the roadrunner. I had a conversation about a month ago with mom about ruadrunners. I was telling her that I liked them and that there were three pairs close to us. It used to be fairly rare to see one. This week I had one come all the way up to our yard. That is not common. We feed all the cats that come to our house plus have dogs. That normally keeps non flying birds at a distance. This one watched me for awhile then turned away and slowly went down our drive. I can’t say what he wanted to tell me but did feel there was something. I have not studied animal totems. I guess I know what is on my list.
I’m a believer! Thanks for sharing “FOX”! Love you guys!
Safe travels. I look forward to traveling with you.