Meanwhile, Back At The Beginning….
By Kelly Atkinson
At the opening of the series and the books (as in BEFORE the credits and as in THE PROLOGUE), we viewers/readers see a seriously creepy zombie-like attack, resulting in two seemingly capable warriors’ dismemberment and one seemingly yellow-bellied wimp taking off like any sane person.
Next chapter: and so off with the deserter’s head, Lord Stark.
Then Jon, Ghost, and Lord Commander Mormont witness an attack by the undead former Black Brother who’s apparently reanimated (but now has beautiful blue eyes at least) and can only be killed by fire (which Jon does effectively).
So Mormont sends Lord Hater, I mean Alliser Thorne, to King’s Landing with the undead hand of the attacker in a jar (and we don’t hear about the hand again until book/season two).
Then Sam kills a blue-eyed Snow Zombie Skeletor with a dragon glass blade (thanks to Jon leaving him that option—Jon saves Sam, moment 5 and counting).
In the TV series, season two ends with Sam crouched in fear behind a rock while what looks a lot like an army of Snow Zombies moves past. One looks down at Samwise Gamgee, I mean Sam the Slayer, with disinterest (either because Sam wields no fire or obsidian/dragon glass and/or because Sam is visibly terrified as usual).
Eventually, acting Hand of the King and normally observant and two-steps ahead Tyrion Lannister agrees to see Lord Alliser Hater and his snow zombie hand, but then mocks him openly in front of court when the remains are unrecognizable as a body part.
At this point, book 2 or season 2—choose your poison—we fans have grasped that there’s some serious supernatural danger brewing up Beyond the Wall. Jon’s infiltration of Manse Rayder’s camp and knowledge of the plan to traverse over the Wall are enough information for any viewer/reader to be groaning with exasperation every time some person miles and miles away where it’s still just sweater weather says, “Fiddle Dee Dee; tomorrow is another day. Pass the lemoncakes. I love your new doublet, by the way.”
AND WHY ARE YOU SO UNGRATEFUL TO THE NIGHT’S WATCH, ANYWAY? AREN’T THEY HOLDING THE LINE FOR ALL OF YOU BRATS IN THE SOUTH?
Meanwhile down South, in the heart of the Free Cities…
There’s this beautiful young Targaryen/Dothraki queen/Khaleesi:
- who is impervious to fire
- who has three dragon children
- who HATES EVERYONE ACROSS THE NARROW SEA, since they raped, tortured, murdered and blacklisted her whole family line except for her older brother who was driven mad by his lust to regain the throne that was rightfully his!
- step up to rule an initially harsh-seeming foreign people,
- travel across a desert,
- sack three huge cities,
- and end up right back at the beginning.
At least this time she’s got a dragon big enough to ride when she meets a Dothraki horde. (See, Quaithe is on top of things. Remind me to tell you about my theory about who Quaithe is.)
“Mummy, look at my kittens!”
“Hush, sweetling. Mummy’s busy scheming and ignoring warnings of sure death and destruction coming from both sides, alienating the remaining relatives we have, and growing her hair out. Tighter with the laces, wench! This dress fit me a year ago!”
NEXT WEEK: Lannister-I-Mean-Baratheon Against Lannister: Showdown Between Joffrey and Tyrion
BTW: Spoiler Alert of the week:
…A dude who stamped her hand once at a Cramps concert
…David the Gnome’s friend, the talking fox Swift
…The ghost of Edgar Allan Poe
Kelly Atkinson was raised by a family of sentient black cats after her mortal family was murdered by a rabid gang of unicorns when she was seven-years old. They left only her alive so she could tell the authorities who dunnit.
After calling them out for plagiarizing Oliver Stone character catch phrases, she spat in their faces and then promptly cut out her own tongue with a Bowie knife just to foil their plan.
Luckily, black cats usually own computers.
She resides right behind you.