Posted by Science Fiction Author,
Kelly is on top of her game today with her fourth installment of her Game of Thrones series. I wouldn’t want to be one of her not-so-favorite characters. She challenges all we know about
GoT and begs us to argue.
Wait, I Thought That Guy Was Dead!
By Kelly Atkinson
I love this saga. Hopefully anyone who’s read my previous three guest blogs should have picked that up.
I consider Tyrion, to quote my friend and fellow GoT Dork Matt, “…one of the best characters ever written.” I adore Arya, Jon, Dany, Sandor, Bronn, Selmy, Varys, Brienne and Jaime as well.
But there are some characters and story arcs that I just don’t care about. No hatred, just apathy. Obviously hatred is reserved for Cersei, Ramsay Snow, Little Finger, Stannis’ crazy religious fanatic wife, and anything Frey. But after reading the books ten times and watching the first four seasons three times a piece, I honestly could care less about the following.
Davos – Damnit, dude. Couldn’t you have just been burned alive with wild fire like your sons? Oh no! Look, you lost your good luck knuckle pouch necklace. And you’re loyal to that weirdo Stannis? Drown or burn already. And I don’t think Manderly really killed you.
I think that fat opportunist pulled a Theon and sent someone else’s shortened finger nubs and head to Bolton. This guy is like a jack-in-box. Yay, he learned to read. Now he can die. STAY DEAD, DAVOS. I skim over your chapters when rereading.
The Tyrell Fam – (the Queen of Thorns is excluded—that broad rules). I’m sick of wondering what Margaery is REALLY up to, I’m all for freedom of displaying one’s sexuality and feel for the Knight of Flowers losing Renly (whom I kinda liked) but ENOUGH WITH THE POUTING, LORAS. Who else is Tyrell? Ummm…oh yeah, the unremarkable Lord Tyrell, the ineffectual brother with the screwed up leg and all of the puppies, and Butterbumps the Fool. Growing Strong is the family motto. LAME.
The Iron Islanders—OH LORD. I flat out started to skip these chapters around my fifth read. At least the TV show makes you care a…little bit? Theon’s sister seemed cool, but she’s bitchy more often than not. His dad dying in book 2 gave me hope that this arc would fizzle away, but NO – then we have the uncles AND the sister (her name is Asha in the books if you didn’t know) arguing over who wears the Iron Squid Crown in the books; meanwhile on the show they’re still walking around (including Theon’s jerk of a dad) with their minimal jewelry and gray leather jerkins, and when his sister sees Reek instead of Theon, she just gives up on his recovery (!?!?!). But hey—Good on them that they know CPR.
Stannis – He has the coolest battle plan train set of them all. The End.
Bran—Oh, yes please, another chapter/scene about the poor crippled boy. I wish Jaime had pushed him a little harder out of that window. He’s turning into a tree or something in the books (don’t think I don’t understand that he’s in Jedi training, actually).
But really—the most interesting thing left in Bran’s story arc is Hodor, who is shockingly still alive to carry him all of the way up North with only Kermit-and-Jeremiah-I-mean-Meera-and-Jojen-Reed and poor Summer. (He’s gotta be sooooooo bored. And I was more than a little disappointed that Summer and Ghost didn’t get to have a reunion).
All I really want to know is what Osha, Rickon and Shaggy Dog are up to. Osha should be training Rickon to use a spear (granting he’s tall enough). Anyway, who was I talking about? Ah well. I’ll think of it after this is posted probably. Ha ha, remember when Hodor was naked and Osha was impressed? Moving on.
The Dornish – Just kidding. Lots of my fellow dorks have told me they don’t care about the Dornish stuff. Hello, Myrcella’s ear got cut off! That’s AWESOME. Personally I really want to know more about Dorne. The Sand Snakes fascinate me. And I thought Oberyn was a brave man, a foolish brave man, but he liked playing Russian roulette and was well aware he might not survive the Mountain (and I thought the skull check in American History X was gruesome).
So he died knowing he’d effectively penetrated the Mountain’s armor with his poison spear (ha ha. N/M). But in the books! Wooooooo-ooooo-ooo, Cersei’s got Qyburn making monsters downstairs like Dr. Arden in American Horror. So the Mountain is like Frankenstein’s monster? Qyburn’s monster? Well, at least MAYBE he won’t be interested in raping any more girls. I would love to live in High Garden and vacation in Sun Spear.
This post was originally scheduled to be a comparison/contrast between Tyrion and Joffrey, but I had to get this off my chest (please don’t hate me for my apathy about the cripple and the frog twins; I love Hodor and Summer).
So if anyone needs to vent their apathy/boredom about things like what Tommen named his cats, what was served at any given meal, or Stannis In General, here’s a safe place. No judgment!
This Is Kelly
**Please note: Kelly Atkinson was not available for comment. The following bio was pieced together after speaking with…
…A dude who stamped her hand once at a Cramps concert
…David the Gnome’s friend, the talking fox Swift
…The ghost of Edgar Allan Poe
Kelly Atkinson was raised by a family of sentient black cats after her mortal family was murdered by a rabid gang of unicorns when she was seven-years old. They left only her alive so she could tell the authorities who dunnit.
After calling them out for plagiarizing Oliver Stone character catch phrases, she spat in their faces and then promptly cut out her own tongue with a Bowie knife just to foil their plan.
Luckily, black cats usually own computers.
She resides right behind you.