I just bought a new Silver Bullet. Silver Bullet being the name of my old Jeep Wrangler and my new Rubicon. Why Silver Bullet? Of course because I’m a big fan of Werewolves and all things Were. The salesman, Dennis—nice guy, great salesman—wanted to know why I wanted extra water and gas tanks installed on it. I said, “In case of the Zombie apocalypse.” He looked at me and noting my deadpan seriousness, which I’m totally good at being part Aussie and all, he couldn’t decide whether or not to laugh. He looked at me like: Does she have information I don’t?
My family and I are always preparing for the Zombie Apoca. We have a safe room with guns, ammo, water, and freeze-dried food—the kind the Mormons buy. Here’s the website in case you want to stock up. Doesn’t hurt to prepare for the worse. But reading the ingredients on the freeze dried food, we might be better off being Zombies. I mean if that stuff doesn’t kill you then you can survive anything.
My son and daughter were mad the year I gave them survival gear for bug out bags as Christmas gifts. What can I say? I thought it was an inventive gift to give. They didn’t agree. They were like WTH? A lantern? A whistle? Water purifying tablets? Portable toilet paper?? (Any of you ladies who have ever peed in the forest know leaves just don’t cut it.)
In the stellar movie Zombieland, the protagonist has a set of rules to follow for survival . Things like:
- Do cardio because you have to be in good shape to outrun the Zombies.
- Beware of bathrooms, sitting on the toilet is when you’re the most vulnerable.
- Always check the backseat of your car before getting in and taking off because, well, for obvious reasons.
- Travel light. The last thing you want when being chased by Zombies is to be lugging around a heavy suitcase even if it’s on wheels.
- Use the buddy system. You can’t look behind you and in front of you at the same time.
Great common sense rules that are needed for survival and humor. On my recent camping trip, I discovered another rule or two.
- Find an island to escape to.
- Take at least eight friends and/or family to defend the island. Now this rule is based on the premise that Zombies can swim. No one on the web appears to have a definitive answer. If we find out Zombies can’t swim because they can’t move fast enough to stay afloat, then you can exclude this second rule. However, I have to warn you, some suggest that Zombies could be like the dead in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean and walk along the bottom which would mean you’d need more than one buddy to defend the island. So keep that in mind.
Discovery of Zombie Apoca Island
I found just such an island and because you are a trusted and loyal reader of The Probe, I offer you directions and pictures of said island. I figure if we can get enough people there, we can easily defend it IF Zombies can swim. But only share this information with people who you’d want to be trapped on an island with indefinitely.
You’ll need to make your way to Fort Collins or Walden, both in Colorado, and the island is located in Lake Agnes off Highway 14. You can’t drive to the lake which makes it remote and a plus for Zombie Apoca survival. It’s described as an alpine lake in the Colorado State Forest State Park occurring within the Never Summer Mountain Range. Sounds beautiful and it is. It’s a steep climb, about a mile long, which with our rule about cardio makes this climb a cinch for us. Steep craggy peaks and scree fields keep this island impervious on all sides but one. Unless there are Zombie eagles.
There are several rules that need to be followed in order for an island to be considered for the Zombie Apoca. I mean not just any old island like Hawaii or Japan will do. They’d be impossible to defend. Here are the rules so far. Feel free to add to them, but please share below in the comments.
- Not easy to get to.
- Protected by natural formations on at least three sides.
- Accessible to water and food. Did I mention the water in the lake comes from snow melt and it’s loaded with fish. Pika, small rabbit like animals, find refuge within the scree fields, and probably taste like chicken. And we don’t even have to boil them in our own urine like actress Michelle Rodriguez did in a survival episode with Bear Grylls. Due to the altitude and climate the water is crystal clear. The coldness of the lake decreases the speed in which algae and moss grow so it’s very drinkable and cookable. Elk, moose, and deer are in abundance in the fields around the island. We can draw straws to see who goes hunting off the island. There are plenty of ranches around with cattle and horses. Wait do Zombies eat cows or just humans? Anyway a horse would make a definite badass get away from Zombies.
Lake Agnes fits all our criteria. It’s perfect. See you there. But shhhshhh—only tell trusted, nonjudgmental, fun, easy to get along with people. Our island is off limits to assholes and hypocrites. The rest can find there own island. And definitely no politicians allowed. Shoot on sight because they’re probably Zombies already.
Excuse me now while I go watch Zombieland again. By-the-way, there are rumors of a Zombieland 2, but evidently nothing set in stone.
In our October blogs, we will continue our investigation into rules to survive a Zombie Apocalypse. Hope you’ll join in the fun. Could mean your survival. I will also be interviewing international best selling author, Travis Simmons, on two of his books. Desolation, his Zombie Apocalypse novel and his new adult science fiction release, What Lies Behind.